Crossing Yet Another Bridge

I'm done with faith healing financing.

For the 27 years I have been a Christian, I have believed what I was taught: that if I gave first, that I would have more. That God would bless my hand, and I would be financially prosperous.

I believed a lie. A lie that I believe was concocted specifically to enrich those who were bestowed the elite status of "minister". While I know a good deal of ministers who work for rather pedestrian wages, I know only a handful who are genuinely aware of the struggles affecting the working class.

I have worked this entire time waiting to turn the corner. While my journey has had a few pessimistic bouts, it has generally had an optimistic bent, one that has taken a decidedly negative turn in the last ten years or so.

I built what I have from the lies I was told from the pulpit. I believed that I should trust God with the size of my family, and now the burden of seven kids (6, soon to be 5, at home) has become too much. And guess what? Those same pulpit prognosticators claim that if I turn to the government for assistance, I suffer from some sort of character defect.

I have never turned my back on God. And, God willing, I never intend to. But I've spent a lot of years spinning my wheels, hoping, trying to build for a future that never arrived. For the past four years, I have tried to launch a ministry with decreasing enthusiasm, as I have yet to muster a single person who actually supports it, even as they've kissed up to me and told me what a good idea it was.

The reality of it is, I'm finished. I have been spending money I don't have in hopes that somehow my energy would cause a return on my investment. For the last three months, I have been managing a radio station, and it has been 2 1/2 of those months since I drew a full paycheck, even at minimum wage salary, although I am drawing full time hours.

The station needs more to fix than I can possibly raise, and my attempt at crowdfunding has netted a grand total of $25.00, which will purchase 1/100th of ONE of the two power supplies we need, let alone the other equipment. I've genuinely tried, and I've failed, for whatever reason.

I have no energy left, I can't honestly say I have much joy left. I thought I could do this, but like so many other things, thinking I could do it was not enough to sustain it.

And, more tellingly, I've failed to create a single, true friend with whom I can discuss these things. I'm consigned to putting them out on an Internet blog because, frankly, nobody cares, and the blog at least lets me feel like I can get those feelings out.

I'm not bitter. I'm not angry. I figure, like everything else, this all has come about for a reason. And I am richer for the experience.

But I'm also exhausted. And done.