What You Don't Know About Suicidal Thoughts

DISCLAIMER: Please don't take the following words the wrong way. While I have wrestled with suicidal thoughts, that is long in the past, and I know myself well enough to know when the problem is too big for me. I am writing this in the hopes that it can help someone else who sees themself in this. Also understand a large part of this is metaphor.

If you've never thought demons were real, you've never dealt with depression or extreme despair. I've dealt with both at various times in my life.

Every time I hear or read about someone committing suicide, a fear comes up that only some of us know. To use a metaphor, it's like a beast that's stalking, haunting me. And when I see someone else give in to the beast, I see the beast standing there, taunting. I see his fangs, He looks at me, hungrily, as if to say, you're next.

And there was a time, not so long ago it seems, but over a decade ago in real time, when I thought the beast would win. I remember standing at the edge of the railroad tracks for over an hour, waiting to hear the whistle of an approaching train, with the intent of throwing myself on the tracks before the conductor could respond. That beast would be there, smiling, beckoning.

I had a fear of heights, not from the heights themselves, but from what the beast might do to me.

I begged everyone I was close to. I spoke with my pastor; he dismissed my claims of depression with the simple response, "well, I think all men have depression". He didn't know how urgently, how desperately I needed to understand.

I feared alcohol for the same reason I feared heights. I feared drugs for the same reason as well. Thankfully, in that sense, the beast probably saved me from an addictive nightmare.

The beast is also why I believe in God. See, I've never had a "bright light" experience, and while God apparently talks audibly to other Christians, He never has to me. But He HAS kept me from surrendering to the beast when literally not a single person on the planet would.

If you know someone, anyone, who struggles with depression or suicidal thoughts, please, don't judge them. They've judged themselves more than you ever could, and don't need you to validate. Love them with everything you have. Love them, and listen.

But don't ignore them. All it takes sometimes is a little bit of light.

I cannot tell you how passionately I feel about this. All I can tell you is that I am here solely and completely because of the grace of God. But the beast still frightens me. But it also gives me confidence.

Because I have wrestled with it, and won. And knowing that, I fear nothing else.