Failure

It's time for me to admit the inevitable: I am a failure.

A complete and utter failure.

These aren't the words of depression talking, so don't advise me to seek professional help. I've heard these words from just about everyone around me. And the comfort and solace I hoped I would find in the church, in Christ, I have never found.

I can't fit in to the mold of society. I've tried; GOD how I've tried. When people told me I needed a degree, I got the degree. When people told me I needed to become this, become that, I BECAME this, I BECAME that. I tried to be everything people wanted me to be in order to meet their standards, their rules for "fitting in".

I believe in moral standards for my children; the prevailing opinion is that I am the one in the wrong. No limits, no curfews, no rules; it's not just the way the world lives anymore, it's the way the church lives as well. Or, at least the way the church in this area expects me to live.

I can't do it. I don't fit in in LIFE, not just in church.

And again, please do NOT tell me it's depression. It's not. It's the startling realization that no matter how much I try, there is virtually NO support. And the majority of friends I have made expect me to conform to their image of what a friend is. And my family expects me to conform to their image of what a family member is; an image shaped on what they SEE of their friends' families, not the reality.

I've prayed, and to be honest, my most fervent, most sincere prayer is that God would see fit to release me from this world. I would never harm others or myself, but I genuinely, fervently hope that God is merciful and my remaining time on this earth is short.

And it's not depression; I have had a good number of people tell me just how terrible of a person I am; I have had more than ample confirmation of the fact that I am just a wretched cur.

But those people don't understand unconditional love. The only love, the only comfort I have found in these dark times is in Christ. And this is why I am increasingly disliking the church. There's not a very widespread attempt at unconditional love among its ranks.

I posted one time earlier that if you can't love ME, you haven't discovered what love is, and I stand by it. I am a wholly unlovable person according to those who genuinely have right to say they care the most about me, but I am nonetheless a child of God.

And please don't tell me it's depression. I am of VERY sound mind as I write this, and I have never felt comfortable with the world. It's just reaching the point where I can't keep it in any longer.

I don't need pithy sayings or feel good books. What I NEED is to live in a place where I am not constantly judged; not seen as a monster (and I am seen as just that).

The reason I care about the homeless is because I understand them. If it weren't for my children, who I love deeply and desire to have know a father, I would be among their ranks. There are some of us in society that truly, genuinely are misfits.

My desire now is to find them...and to offer them the ONLY solace I have found in this world.

I pray that one day the church will awaken to just how cruelly, how viciously it has attacked the world, but I don't see that happening. But as I withdraw, as I close out from the world, understand how desperately I tried to be a part of it.

Only to fail.