Sunday, April 13, 2014

Reformation 2014

This Lenten season has been a special one for me. I have been working on an intense introspective process, because I see a vast gap between what the church is and what it should be, and ultimately need to address a longstanding conflict in my life to resolve what I can do to bring about change, to help the church again function more completely as the body of Christ.

A lot of that introspection has been filled with bitterness, and for that I apologize. I'd like to say that the bitterness and cynicism has gone away, but like Paul, I understand that there is an attachment to the old man that I may never quite shake. I do hope, however, that I can make that part of me so small that it is not what others see, but large enough that I have the tools to see where something needs changing. And in the church, most definitely, something needs changing.

Recently, I saw my cynical words reflected in another, and in my amateurish attempts to minister to that person's legitimate hurt, something occured to me: I wasn't speaking to her, I was speaking to myself. She just happened to share some very similar frustrations.

And this is, and always will be, what our walk with Christ should be: our individual walk with Christ. It's about our growth, our humility, our obedience. And with that in mind, the following will be addresses in the first person singular.

I have, for a long time, realized a need for revival within the Church. And I do not, will not, shrink from that statement. But in looking back on the landscape, I am coming to understand the separation between the man I am and the humble sinner who pleaded for the grace of God and understanding that was the only thing that could truly heal. Instead of leading, I have allowed myself to be led. Instead of shining a light, I have allowed mine to be dimmed. Not extinguished, but not nearly as effective or powerful as it could be.

At the beginning of the Lenten season, I resolved to start Reformation 2014 at its conclusion. My aims were simple, but bold and I believed that I could be the agent to affect change within the church. And I still believe that. I have just changed my perspective on ho change can be affected.

Paul refers to members of the church as part of the body of Christ. There's a twofold problem, though, that we are not addressing when we say those words:

First, the part is always lesser than the whole. ALWAYS. The body is and always will be more crucial than the parts within. And while we need church leaders to understand that they cannot neglect any part of the body, and MUST address the hurts, as they are called to minister, we must also understand that our healthy function is dependent on the body's healthy function. To put it simply, if the heart stops, the hand can't function. So it is useless to be a hand in a body with a broken heart.

Second, a part cannot move independent of the will of the body. If Christ is, indeed, the head, the hand cannot wander around like a restless Cousin It looking for a place to perch. It must always yield to the will of its master.

Some of these thoughts I will expound on in more depth as time goes by, but for brevity's sake, wish to move forward.

As a musician desiring to learn and grow, I was speaking with a friend about starting a group, which has frustrated me for some time. His advice was to get a couple of people together and just start playing, then with consistency, you can bring others in. This makes sense, and also has powerful spiritual implications.

I have been reluctant to speak to the idea of Reformation because, to put it simply, I am not a leader. I do not like the focus, the emphasis to be on me. I hate spotlights, and frequently wither in their glow.

But I also feel that it is improper to use the direction in which groups are moving as a rationale to hinder my own progress.

There's a scene in the book "Prince Caspian" that is a favorite of mine, and one that, sadly, did not make it into the movie in full context. When Lucy first hears the voice of Aslan, she ignores it, preferring instead to listen to the older, more mature people within her group. After they mess up by their own devices and meet Aslan together, he asks her why she didn't listen to him. She concedes that she was following her group. Aslan's silence leads to her conviction and understanding.

And so, what I have realized is that revival is not about the church, it is about me. It is with purpose that I must move forward, that I must look for opportunities for spiritual growth. And that I must work out my salvation with fear and trembling.

Now, of course, this has been said before, but what does it mean? It means that when someone's lifestyle conflicts with what I am certain to be true, it is not mine to condemn or bless. I can only speak to my walk, not theirs. It means that I build a case for obedience and faith in the context of the journey I am making, not in the context of another's. And it means that my relationship with the body should be the focus.

No, this sounds like selfishness, but it is not, for the simple reason that when one part functions perfectly with the body the body can then focus on healing the other parts. And that when that healing is visible, other parts will seek it out.

I will share my progress on this page and other blogs. Pray for me, as I will pray for you, and let's walk and see what wonderful things God has in store for us!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

On Fred Phelps and Grace

Fred Phelps entered immortality today, with a lot of questions, a lot of anger, and a lot of mixed feelings from the world he left behind. To be honest, he was a person that was easy to dislike for even the most seasoned fundamentalist, as his hate seemed to know no end.

But the questions that he left with those behind him pale in comparison to the big one that only he knows the answer to.

It's hard for any Christian who genuinely understands the meaning of God's grace to hope that Phelps is in Hell or any sort of eternal punishment. Granted, it would be a just resolution for an individual who spent much of his time spreading hate to others. But to understand grace, you have to understand it has nothing to do with what we have earned.

In the final months of his life, Phelps was allegedly excommunicated from his own church, an ironic punishment that may or may not have been driven by his recanting his stance towards the homosexual community. We will likely never know, as those with an interest in protecting their franchise of hate continue to do so, and because Phelps was estranged from much of his own family.

But whether Phelps recanted or not, we cannot know his heart. Only God knows that. And for any of us to pray for anything but grace for Fred Phelps would be hypocrisy if we ourselves expect to receive it.

I end this knowing that God is good, God is just, and that somewhere tonight, Fred Phelps knows that. I can only pray that he found the grace he so fervently sought to deny others.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

The Gospel of "Enough"

The last six months have been trying for me. They've made me begin to truly once again realize and understand what faith is.

In these days of easy finance, we tend to forget. We rent our lives away month by month and trade our freedom away for the security of a paycheck, paid vacation, and a pension plan. It is small wonder that we lose our awe of God the less control we give Him of our lives.

This journey has been more spiritual than I wanted to share at first, as my goal is to become more focused on ministry, requiring me to become more focused on God as a prerequisite. Step one is giving Him control.

In the early days of this journey, I would worry when I was still awaiting confirmation of a contract job. One of the changes I have made between August and now is being more firm on my bid price. But that brings in its own worry and fears that someone out there will be able to underbid me.

But I've discovered something wonderful in the process. Early on, I took a job that paid less than I was worth for the steady paycheck. And it came, but so did the grief and the insane hours. I made the very hard decision to cut that ample pay as it was essentially just a leap from the frying pan into the fire, and as Robert Frost so famously said about the road less travelled, "that has made all the difference".

What I have discovered and come to truly appreciate is that God is a God of enough. In this world where prosperity gospel dominates, where the mainstream church continually accepts compromise to the point where the word is weakened, understanding that is a very big step forward. I may fret about a bid, may worry when 4 or 5 days go by with no big leads, but I am less prone to panicking and taking the kinds of lowball offers that really aren't making me any money. I know the work will come, and I know I'm doing what I have to to get it, and so I hold firm on the bottom line. What I am learning is that the gaps are growing shorter and I am redefining what I really need.

Oddly enough, in our modern world, "enough" really is prosperity, we just don't tend to see it. When I arise in the morning and flip a switch to instantly light the room, I am more prosperous than every generation prior to the past 150 or so years, and still more prosperous than most of the world. When I drive my car to a store and purchase foods rather than spending my leisure time gathering it, I utilize at least two blessings that I take for granted. When the thermostat keeps my home at a constant temperature without my having to stoke the fire, that's a comfort many have not known historically and that billions still don't realize today.

So in discovering the "Gospel of Enough", I am reconciling with the fact that prosperity is not a wrong teaching, it is simply mistaught. Becoming debt free and having the ability to choose my own life's blessing; THAT is true prosperity. But it comes in first accepting what you have.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Rethinking the "Christian" Approach to the Gay Community

I've been wrestling with a lot of thoughts as of late. While I've been in an "unchurched" state for some time, I have not been spiritually dormant. Far from it. I have been, on the other hand, trying to silence the noise of people's opinions and the Madison Avenue Jesus to truly understand what God wants and how He would have me react to the world around me.

Through the years, I have seen casualties of the damage of the traditional approach. Suicide, alcohol and drug dependence, and an overwhelming sense of despair seem almost ubiquitous among the Bible Belt GLBT community. And I am reminded that SATAN comes to kill, steal, and destroy, not Jesus, and that if this is the result of the church's approach to the GLBT community, the church's approach cannot be considered Christian.

Like Paul, my history could mark me as the Pharisee of all Pharisees. I accepted Christ at 18, and almost immediately found myself in a conservative Baptist Bible college. I know the arguments of the apologetics crowd, and I can find doctrinal flaws in the practices of almost every denomination.

I'm not saying this to brag; I'm saying this to establish perspective. The argument is that we are saved by grace, through faith, and this argument is used repeatedly to insist that strict adherence to the letter of Biblical law is not necessary. However, it is used to rationalize one's own failings, and never to excuse the failings of others. Others are held to a higher standard. I'm thinking this is why Jesus instructed us to worry about the log in our eye before the mote in someone else's.

To the GLBT community I owe a deep and heartfelt apology. Not for my actions, but for my inactions. Not for my words, but for my silence. As Elie Wiesel once stated:

“We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe.”

I do not know where I stand on the nature vs. nurture debate on homosexuality. Where I stand, however, is immaterial compared to where I MUST stand as a Christian in dealing with those who daily live the hurt of those who shun them, who set them aside and hurt them for their lifestyle. And I will also state (without delving too deeply into the sidebar) that even if nurture decides one's sexual orientation, there are a good number of things encoded into someone's being that can't simply be done away with it. It's a deeper debate than I can delve into fairly in this blog.

But what I AM here to discuss is my conviction on how I should respond to the GLBT community. And that is simply the same way I should respond to any other person on the planet: in love. For me to speak on their spiritual walk is as insensitive and ill mannered as for them to speak on mine.

This does not mean I EMBRACE the GLBT lifestyle, but, truthfully, not even the most hardcore activist I have encountered has asked that I embrace it. They have only asked that I accept them as they are, and that is a fair request. I do nothing to advance the cause of Christ if I judge, treat someone harshly or with hate. Hate is not the hallmark of a Christian, period.

Going forward, I have decided that ministry is my primary focus. Not a pulpit; I do not desire a pulpit, nor would I accept one if offered. What God has called me to is distinctly different, and while the road ahead is scary, I've long been certain of my purpose; just not certain of the path to get there.

Many in the church will pray for me, and I welcome that. But I ask that your prayers not be for me to "repent" of this statement: I am fully certain that the above is the response to which God has called me. I ask that your prayers instead be directed to God's blessing on my life and on my calling. For it is not our own will we should seek, but God's ... wherever that path should lead.

The Christian singer Rich Mullins was known for the admonition he often wrote for his fans to "be God's" (note the use of the possessive). That is my aim, my goal, my only purpose. But I cannot be God's and harbor hate in my heart.

God bless each and every one of you.

Friday, January 17, 2014

The Day I Truly Understood the GLBT Community

As a Christian, there are moral issues I have a hard time wrapping my head around. How exactly I felt about the GLBT community is one of those. I admit, issues like morality are important to me, and I truly believe that if you have a close friend who is headed in a wrong moral direction, it's not wrong or unloving to speak out to them on that issue. But there are Biblical standards, and that issue, at least, is tangential to this post.

However, there was a day not long ago that I had what I would call an epiphany. When I didn't just empathize with GLBT friends, but UNDERSTOOD their position in a dramatic and lifechanging way.

A friend who I know genuinely has my best interests at heart sent me a message about my bull in a china shop approach to things. The not so subtle suggestion was that if I toned things down, I might achieve greater traction (I've heard other people advance that belief since, but this was lovingly and carefully presented, and I have no doubts as to the sincerity of the sender).

But there's a side of that that he didn't know: I had spent years of my life trying to change who I was. I've long recognized that I am a horribly misunderstood individual, and desired to change that, to make that happen. But the change never came, and so after years of prayer and contemplation, I surmised that, much like Paul's thorn in the flesh, it was there for a reason.

It was a part of who I am; a part of the big picture, a part of what makes me who I am. And something that God, in His wisdom, has decided to leave me with. And so it is in my best interest, I realized, to learn in what ways this trait could work to make me a better, a stronger person.

And that's when the light came on. I know people who have told stories of how they have prayed not to be homosexual, how their parents have prayed for them, how they worked diligently to change who they were. And I know too many stories that ended with a crudely tied noose, a bottle of pills, or a gun. Stories that ended with the final and complete despair of these people who simply wanted to be understood.

That is never right, and that is not an end that anyone deserves. As Christians, we're called to love, not to judge, and to be light in the world. And when someone is in a dark place and we drive them to an even darker place, we cannot call that love in any language.

There's already enough pain in the world without adding to it. And if we're going to mince words about the finer points of Levitical law, we have a lot of areas to cover before we even BEGIN to address homosexuality. And I decided long ago that I had no call to stand in the place of the Holy Spirit and convict someone, because there's a lot of dirty laundry I need to sort out first.

But it was then, at that moment, that I could say that I truly UNDERSTOOD. And hopefully, maybe, in sharing this, someone else out there can understand.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Failure

It's time for me to admit the inevitable: I am a failure.

A complete and utter failure.

These aren't the words of depression talking, so don't advise me to seek professional help. I've heard these words from just about everyone around me. And the comfort and solace I hoped I would find in the church, in Christ, I have never found.

I can't fit in to the mold of society. I've tried; GOD how I've tried. When people told me I needed a degree, I got the degree. When people told me I needed to become this, become that, I BECAME this, I BECAME that. I tried to be everything people wanted me to be in order to meet their standards, their rules for "fitting in".

I believe in moral standards for my children; the prevailing opinion is that I am the one in the wrong. No limits, no curfews, no rules; it's not just the way the world lives anymore, it's the way the church lives as well. Or, at least the way the church in this area expects me to live.

I can't do it. I don't fit in in LIFE, not just in church.

And again, please do NOT tell me it's depression. It's not. It's the startling realization that no matter how much I try, there is virtually NO support. And the majority of friends I have made expect me to conform to their image of what a friend is. And my family expects me to conform to their image of what a family member is; an image shaped on what they SEE of their friends' families, not the reality.

I've prayed, and to be honest, my most fervent, most sincere prayer is that God would see fit to release me from this world. I would never harm others or myself, but I genuinely, fervently hope that God is merciful and my remaining time on this earth is short.

And it's not depression; I have had a good number of people tell me just how terrible of a person I am; I have had more than ample confirmation of the fact that I am just a wretched cur.

But those people don't understand unconditional love. The only love, the only comfort I have found in these dark times is in Christ. And this is why I am increasingly disliking the church. There's not a very widespread attempt at unconditional love among its ranks.

I posted one time earlier that if you can't love ME, you haven't discovered what love is, and I stand by it. I am a wholly unlovable person according to those who genuinely have right to say they care the most about me, but I am nonetheless a child of God.

And please don't tell me it's depression. I am of VERY sound mind as I write this, and I have never felt comfortable with the world. It's just reaching the point where I can't keep it in any longer.

I don't need pithy sayings or feel good books. What I NEED is to live in a place where I am not constantly judged; not seen as a monster (and I am seen as just that).

The reason I care about the homeless is because I understand them. If it weren't for my children, who I love deeply and desire to have know a father, I would be among their ranks. There are some of us in society that truly, genuinely are misfits.

My desire now is to find them...and to offer them the ONLY solace I have found in this world.

I pray that one day the church will awaken to just how cruelly, how viciously it has attacked the world, but I don't see that happening. But as I withdraw, as I close out from the world, understand how desperately I tried to be a part of it.

Only to fail.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Ryan J. Bell's "year without God"

I read with interest the Hffington Post article by Ryan J. Bell detailing his determination to live "A Year Without God". You can read the article here:

I find Bell's faith journey fascinating, and in some way reminiscent of my own. It's an indicator, in my mind, that God is working a powerful movement within the hearts of His people. The "church", of course, often condemns it as heresy, but this is a church that has historically burned and hanged a lot of heretics.

In light of my own posts, I find it compelling to see others on a similar faith journey. Below is a sermon that was preached shortly before he was fired by the Seventh Day Adventist Church he had pastored: