Coming to Grips With a Silent Ministry

I'm at that age where ghosts of my past keep popping up where I least expect them, reminding me of what could have been, and a little bit of the journey I expected to take when I was younger.

The journey since has been nothing like that. As a young convert to Christianity, I sincerely believed I was meant for ministry. To me that meant being a pastor somewhere, or a missionary; really, anywhere God wanted me.

And I started off with that in mind. I went briefly to a small Baptist Bible College, but was struck by the inherent hypocrisy of a school that did not allow students to attend movies, but said nothing when the students would gather together in their homes and watch the same movies. It's more likely than anything that the college was just not a good fit for me, but I really didn't see any other option at the time.

And then I moved back home for a span of three years, continuing my college experience, but being stifled by the intricacies of the student loan system. A technicality made it a monumental hurdle to get financial aid until I was 24, and I was unwilling to jump those hurdles.

Then came family. It wasn't long until I was a parent, and put that on the backseat at a number of low to mediocre paying jobs, putting in long hours. All that became important in that stage in life was holding through to the next paycheck.

Then a series of steps led to where I am now, finished with a degree, but not really in the direction I had once considered, and with the thoughts of "ministry" I had when I was younger all but over. In sum total, my "career" in the pulpit lasted all of three sermons as part of a group of people who filled in for a rural Oklahoma church. The disappointment of never being able to launch in something that was very dear to me, something to which I have always believed that I was called, left me bitter. And it didn't help that I was watching as many of the churches I saw were completely being swallowed up by a materialism and secularism that were certainly not Christ's intent.

But gradually, time has led me to understand that ministry is not confined to the face in the pulpit; that there are a lot of ministers out there that nobody will ever see, and that for reasons not completely known to me (although I know some of them), that just might be God's direction for me. That maybe, just maybe, the marks I leave on those around me won't be seen until after I'm gone. And that, while I may never preach another sermon from a pulpit in my life, that doesn't mean that I'm not preaching through my actions.

I don't feel comfortable sharing the opportunities that have opened up for me lately. I don't feel it's right. But it's my prayer that somehow my life can steer more over time towards Kingdom work than the tedious work often needed to sustain ourselves in this life.

But what I've had to come to grips with is the fact those opportunities have always been there, they just come without applause.

And I'm OK with that.

Reflections at Year's End

I haven't yet read the conclusions of Ryan Bell's "A Year Without God". But I have appreciated all of his posts throughout the year. They have challenged me, angered me, inspired me. I have found much solace in his skilled presentation and intellectual honesty in asking some of the questions we would often rather avoid.

Mr. Bell, if you ever read this, I thank you. And if you ever happen by a certain burg in Northeastern New Mexico, the coffee's on me.

I wanted to write these reflections prior to reading Bell's, because I want them to be free of the color I might find in his. I admittedly have not read many of these atheist/humanist authors, and have little interest in doing so, but that doesn't mean that I don't find validity in it.

So, introduction aside, here are my year end thoughts, jumbled as they may be:

The first verse of the Bible begins, "In the beginning, God...". Proceeding through 807,361 words in 66 books of the canonical Scriptures, it ends with "The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen". (Rev. 22:21).

In the beginning, God... In the end, grace. Something to think about, and something that has had deep and profound meaning through the year, as I watched some people dear to me struggle with some difficult, life altering realities that I will not discuss in depth here because it is simply too soon.

This was a very, intensely painful year for me. But then growth often is. I have shed a lot of tears in the past 360 days, and as the year winds down, I find myself wondering if the current quiet is a genuine peace or merely the calm before the storm. I found myself withdrawing increasingly inside myself because of genuinely feeling that I lacked a strong support group.

And through it all I found comfort in the words of Mr. Bell. Not because I agreed with some of the explorations that he made, but because I highly respect anyone who is willing to step so far outside their comfort zone in order to examine who they personally are. For everything I endured, I am sure it paled in comparison to some of his struggles. And, sadly, it showed some of the inadequacies of "traditional" evangelicalism.

And it was in that climate that I felt compelled to renounce evangelicalism. When I saw, for a second year in a row, the media centered on the shooting of an unarmed person of color, it called into question whether there was anything left worth redeeming in today's church. I've long struggled within around the conflict between the evangelical gospel and the social gospel, which gets you branded a liberal, a communist, or worse. And in the course of renouncing evangelicalism, I had to question whether I was, indeed, renouncing the church.

But there was something in that: Christ loves the church enough that He gave himself for her. That means, for better or worse, my struggle is not against the church, no matter how imperfect she may be.

In the beginning, God. In the end, grace.

Personally, this was the year that I realized that any aspirations to the American middle class are gone. That I can't pour enough money into my education to make that happen, and that it's done. And that I should learn to be comfortable with what I have, because it likely will not improve much.

After much bitterness, I'm surprisingly OK with that. Of course it helps that, in addition to my small income streams elsewhere, I am doing something I truly, genuinely enjoy.

This has been a truly special year on many fronts. I will post more between now and year's end, but cannot help going back to the discovery above: in the beginning, God... In the end, grace.

Feeling Alone In All of This

I have a few people who have seen articles I've posted here, but not the whole story. It's like walking into the middle of a movie, sometimes you see the bitter, but you don't see what led to that point.

I am at the moment feeling angry, frustrated, and exhausted. And it is very much at the heart of why I feel the church has let me down. It's not a matter of me having unrealistic expectations of the church, these expectations are very realistic.

But let me be clear in saying they're not the "pastor's" job. More than a few people play a part. Building friendships within the church is part of the disciple making process.

Anyway, I had to reveal some information to my daughter that was very painful to discuss. For her privacy I am not going to be terribly specific. But the last time we had this discussion, it cost me six months' time with my daughter, including her senior track season, and all of the other senior activities. I will never have those back.

Through this all, I had no support. I did not have a single friend outside the family to turn to. People made assumptions about my character, and hers, that were untrue. They never TOLD us, though, they just made horrible sweeping assumptions.

When I needed backup it wasn't there. When I needed the guidance of wise counsel, it was similarly absent. Nothing there to help me. I was on my own.

To pretend this is the way the church was meant to be is to pretend that much of the Scripture doesn't exist. Parenting, especially through the teenage and adult years, is exceedingly difficult, and backup is needed. Eyes and ears help as well.

I feel right now that we're in a better place, a good fellowship working to be responsive to all of this, and I am and will attempt to be patient. But healing is much more easily accomplished when everyone acknowledges their role. This is something I have had to navigate on my own, and with the judgment and stares of others to accompany it.

I know that we as a church can do better. And I pray that conviction comes to the churches that need to fill the gaps. I know that the last year has certainly changed my viewpoint substantially and for the better, and as a result at this point I am not bitter, just exhausted.

And similarly determined to help make sure that other people don't feel the same way.

Recently I was discussing the parable of the Good Samaritan with a friend, and he disagreed with my analysis, saying "are you bleeding and lying by the side of the road?"

I didn't think then to answer, but am answering now: No, but not long ago I was. And I was passed by more times than I should have been.

What I wish the Church Understood About Ministry, Part 2.

Note: I unwittingly discovered Blogspot has limits to the blog length. You can read part one of this article here.

Moving on to the fourth point in the article:

4. A church is a place where I can use my gifts, passion, skills, personality and life experiences to serve, but it’s up to me to become a servant. (Matthew 20:28)

This is my single biggest pet peeve about the article. First let me say that the writer is absolutely spot on, but he is ignoring something I have seen consistently in many churches. And for me it has been the primary reason for moving on.

There are people in the congregation who desperately long to serve, but are never given the chance. I know because I have often been one of them. When I became a Christian, I hit the ground running, eager to serve. One of the requirements of the Bible College I attended was to be involved in service to your local congregation. As a new Christian with a LOT of baggage, I knew I was not spiritually ready to lead, so I discussed it with my pastor, and agreed to be the janitor/groundskeeper for the church.

When I returned to my advisor, he stated simply, "we are looking for something more spiritual in nature".

That's one of those conversations I wish I had back, because today I would have no difficulty explaining how serving by maintaining the premises can be just as spiritual as leading worship, but I can't go back to that point. But I have experienced many such instances in multiple churches, and have seen people who wish to serve pushed aside for various reasons, either because those in charge felt their abilities weren't good enough, or because they felt the person wasn't spiritual enough. I suspect that it's often been the latter in my case, but I can never be sure; at any rate, I've never felt the need to PROVE my spirituality.

I will note in this that in one case the failure to click into an area of ministry was my fault, but that's one case out of several.

Eventually, my quest to serve became less and less ministry centric, and I tried to concentrate on things like hanging around and helping cleanup after church meals, or assisting when numbers are needed; but the majority of my focus has been outside the church walls. My heart is geared to the homeless, and that is where I focus my ministry, because it's one of the few places where my offering is accepted.

On to point 5, the final point:

5. A church is a place where I have the chance to change the world by fulfilling the Great Commission, but it’s up to me to actually become a person of impact. (Romans 10:14)

This statement is absolutely correct, and I have nothing to add to it. But there is a sub point that in my opinion is potentially the most dangerous point of the article:

Churches exist for the purpose of their non-members.
They do not exist to serve the whims of their members.
Now it's true that churches do not exist to serve the whims of their members, the concept that they exist solely for members is wrong, wrong, wrong. It is entirely misguided, it is bad theology, and it is antithetical to EVERYTHING Jesus taught.

Given the fact that the author put together a generally well written article, I am willing to concede context and accept that he may not have meant that exactly as it is read, but the church is as much a place to nurture and grow its members as it is to encourage nonmembers. It is, in many ways, a nest, where we are to feel its comfort and protection, but we must leave as we learn to fly and soar.

And it is, most importantly, still there for us, still beckoning, when we fall.

And again, carefully noting that I do not believe the author intended it this way based on everything else they wrote, I will continue on the point about the church existing exclusively for its nonmembers, as it is a misconception I have seen churches hold.

If the church exists only for its nonmembers, then why do you solicit my attendance, my tithes? I know why, of course, and the above points spell it out, but we must not allow ourselves to fall into the thinking that we can neglect the needs of the faithful at the expense of the unsaved. That can only lead away from Christ, not towards him.

In writing this, I am hoping the reader understands it was written not to argue the quite valid points presented, but to offer another side, another perspective. And hope that can lead us to deepen our ministries.

What I Wish the Church Understood About Ministry, Part 1

I recently read an article that my pastor posted about how the church does not exist to serve. It is a fairly well written article, and there are several good points about it. I want to note before proceeding that this piece is not to attack the article and its valid points, but to provide perspective from the other side. The article referenced can be found here.

First, merely for perspective, a bit about me: I accepted Christ in 1988, and was then and am now an enthusiastic Christian with a desire to serve, grow, and minister. I spent a year in a small Baptist Bible College until my funds ran out, and have spent the remaining years desperately trying to find a church where I belong in the sense that they need me as much as I need them. I have not found that church, and that is, in all candor, why this page exists. I am long past the bitterness and have moved on to accept that God's will for my life does not include a role in active ministry.

But that is enough about me. Now let's move on to the article.The first point the author presents is as follows:

A church is a place to gather weekly for worship, but it’s up to me whether I will experience the presence of God. (John 4:24)

This point is spot on, but it does a very slight disservice in ignoring the role of the ministers who present the service. If you're not connecting with the majority of your congregation, you're doing it wrong.

Now I admit if I'm the standalone guy who is not getting it while the others are, we have a problem. But if your church is not growing spiritually, it may be time to head home and look in the mirror. I have seen churches of all style and no substance, and it's pretty tough to grow when the soil isn't deep enough for you to spread our your roots.

The second point is one where I begin to take issue:

2. A church is a family I can belong to, but it’s up to me to develop friendships. (Proverbs 18:24)

This seems good, and it is, again, more true than not, but it isn't the whole picture. Building friendships is a two way street, and it is equally the responsibility of the members of the church to work on friendship building with people who come in their doors. That is a major weakness of evangelism; so much effort is spent in bringing people to the cross that little effort is spent on them once they get there.

Now, I will say that if someone isn't taking advantage of the opportunities the church provides, then they are not holding up their end of the bargain. I have, however, in my lifetime, observed one truth about people: there are some people who are very hard to love in a Christian way. I gather from a lifetime of reactions that I am one of them, but I have certainly never tried to be. It is our job to reach out, to love them in spite of the obstacles, and to love them through whatever traits they have. These things are temporary; their souls are eternal.

I have long said that if a church was not ready to accept an alcoholic who came in the door just hours removed from their last drink, they are not truly evangelical. People come broken, and while it is not our job to "fix" them, it IS our job to provide a place where they can be healed, and to direct them in all sincerity to the One who CAN heal.

Matthew 28:19 urges us:

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,

As I once told a friend, we're doing a great job of going, not so much of making disciples. Mentoring and discipleship are as important as evangelism, perhaps more so.

Let me say before moving on that I recognize that this is easier said than done. But we are called to do difficult, even impossible, things through Christ.

Moving on:

3. A church is place where gifted teachers will explain the Bible and how I can apply it to my life, but it’s up to me to align my life with God’s truth. (James 1:22)

This is where the disciple making part of the church comes in.

I came to Christ in jail because of a serious misstep I made when I was barely 18. What I found when I was inside the jail was an amazing support group of sincere Christians, and that followed me outside the jail while I was still in the Pacific Northwest.

About six months after I was released, I was driving through a bad neighborhood. As I drove by, I briefly caught a glimpse of one of the men who had regularly attended our fellowship. He didn't look good. You could see at a glance he had fallen back into his old lifestyle, his old habits.

This image has haunted me since that day. As a more mature Christian, I'd like to think I would put the brakes on, hop out of the car, and go speak with him, and invite him over to visit. I can't say in all honesty that I would, but I would like to think I would.

To put the entire burden on me to align my life with God's truth is to put aside a great deal of the Gospel. The truth is, I am fallen, you are fallen, and we often need the assistance of others (including and especially the Holy Spirit) to make that connection. Proverbs 27:17 tells us:

As iron sharpens iron,
    so one person sharpens another.

Galatians 6:2 further elaborates on this point:

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Yes, ultimately I, and only I, am responsible for the steps I take to draw closer to God. But as Paul compares us to "babes in Christ", I would say that process is better achieved through the assistance and encouragement of those around me. It's a process that must be relearned, and it is up to each of us to help teach us.

The article uses the example of a money course, and asks if they've made the changes where he had encouraged them. And yet, even the author of the course he is clearly referencing will tell you the relearning process is exceedingly difficult.

Looking at the political landscape, I can't help but realize we are about twenty years removed from the height of the "Promisekeepers" movement. And it looks very compellingly like a lot of the promises made in that heightened state have not been kept. I remember standing in a chorus of men's voices filling Soldier Field in Chicago, and I can't help but wonder how many of those men have left their wives, have abandoned those covenants, and forgotten  what they stood for. And while it would be wrong to blame it on the church, there is good cause to wonder if the fellowship they have experienced since has nurtured and encouraged them to keep those vows.

Oklahoma's Black Mass and the Christian Response

I don't currently still live in Oklahoma, but I have friends responding to the black mass occurring at the Civic Center.

I should not need to, but will add the disclaimer that as a Christian, I am disturbed by this. Deeply. And it's frankly not a subject for debate with me on a personal level.

Unfortunately, though, in blurring the lines between church and state, this is something that the church has brought on itself. The government simply does not have authority to ban the free exercise of religion, and if you insist that public space be used for Christian worship, it must be available to all faiths. The Constitution is pretty clear on this.

As to the concerns that God will stop blessing us as a nation, or Oklahoma as a state, where were those concerns when protestors spoke up against the immigrant children held in Ft. Sill, only an hour's drive from the site of today's mass and protests? In the light of Leviticus 19:33-34, can the protestors truly be claiming the moral high ground?

When a stranger sojourns with you in your land, you shall not do him wrong. You shall treat the stranger who sojourns with you as the native among you, and you shall love him as yourself, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the Lord your God.  (Lev. 19:33-34)

And what of Governor Fallin's legislation to prevent cities from voting a higher minimum wage than the state? Is it a Christian act to deny workers a better wage to care for their families?

What of the education and the promise to tomorrow's youth? Do those represent Christian values?

Although I left Oklahoma years ago, my heart never has. The problem I see in Oklahoma does not lie with the people in the Civic Center basement performing the black mass. It lies in those protesting outside, who concern themselves more with regulating the lives of those who do not hold their faiths than they do with being salt and light in their communities and in their state.

It does not matter how many Ten Commandments monuments or crosses you erect; all you are doing with that is trading one idol for another. What matters is how you live your faith.

And, although there will always be people who are hostile to the Christian faith, it is possible they might find it harder to gather likeminded followers if we were more persistent and dedicated in walking the walk on a daily basis.

So, protest YOURSELVES, and what you have allowed Oklahoma to become: a state with poor educational rankings, high child poverty, and low household income. I am fairly certain that none of those things are consistent with being dedicated Christians.

On Adrian Peterson and "Discipline"

I hate to write this article. But I have to. Because it speaks to a portion of the problems I have with the church.

The Adrian Peterson situation has brought the issue of child abuse to the forefront. There are a lot of opinions, and there is a lot of emotion on this issue, on both sides of the fence. And it causes a lot of people to really look at and evaluate their thoughts on discipline.

If you are conservative, traditional Christians, I am going to warn you I am probably about to piss you off. Probably better to stop reading if you cannot take a contradictory opinion.

I was raised up believing there was a difference between a spanking and a beating, and I will admit that from the child's perspective, there certainly is. I've had both, and can tell you there is a difference between not being able to sit down comfortably for days and the stinging rebuke of what Adrian Peterson calls "a whupping".

But does that mean either is right? Does a lesser degree of pain somehow make the message any more proper? If you rate spankings on a scale of 1 to 10, with one definitely being acceptable, and 10 definitely being acceptable, where does the acceptable line get drawn? A 6? a 5? And who determines what constitutes a 6 or a 5?

The conservative church holds out that parents who don't spank their children are neglecting discipline. But is that what discipline really is? If you have to beat your child to follow you, what happens when they become bigger and  more powerful? And when we discipline adults, we certainly find ways to do it that don't involve finding a blunt object and applying it to someone's backsides.

This is one area that's reaffirming my decision to renounce evangelical Christianity. Because a very significant part of the spanking culture is a direct result of the teachings of the church.

If you are a new parent begging for parental advice, you will undoubtedly be given a copy of a James Dobson book, which strongly advocates corporal punishment. Worse, you may be given a copy of Michael and Debbie Pearls' book, To Train Up a Child, which I was given when our children were much younger, and which I had to put away after the first chapter.

The problem is, parents who spank their children believe they are doing the right thing. Either through family or church, they believe that this is the way to parent. The people who are teaching that need to own that.

As I grow older, I am increasingly convinced that violence is not a solution in any instance. And I have to wonder if teaching a child that might makes right from an early age doesn't have a good deal to do with the problems we have before us today.

Advocates of corporal punishment will insist that "families that whupped their kids did fine for thousands of years", but they do so based on empirical evidence, and, increasingly in a frightening vacuum where they seriously fear higher education. Is it any coincidence that we emphasize corporal punishment more than any other culture, and we have the highest incarceration rate.

This, like so many other thoughts I've been having, is not an easy one. It is hard going forward in my faith journey accepting that so much of what I was taught by people who sincerely believed is wrong, but honestly I cannot see violence towards another person as being Godly in any sense of the word.

There will be those who will toss out Proverbs 13:24 at me ("he who spares the rod hates his son"), but the rod was used to guide; it was not used to beat the sheep, and the analogy, like many Biblical analogies, was written for shepherds to understand.

So when is a spanking right, and when does it become a beating? at a 3? at a 7? I am not going to come out and tell anyone what to do, but I do think it's a question we should be asking. Because, after all, none of us would knowingly harm our children. So it is in our own best interests to ask whether our actions are unknowingly doing so.

To the Nonbelievers and NonChristians: Give Us a Chance to Make This Right!

A funny thing happened on the way to obsolescence.

For years, atheists and nonChristians have pointed to some of the rather callous actions of the church as evidence that there needs to be serious change. And for years, there have been many of us within the church who agree, but lacked the platform from which to speak.

I'm proud to say that I see that changing. Ted Cruz being booed offstage recently is evidence of that. The fall of Mark Driscoll further underscores the point. There is a silent majority in the church that has never endorsed the positions of its leaders, but when threatened with eternal damnation, even the most dedicated folk will moderate their stance quickly.

But in the midst of the mess, suddenly it became clear that what may be appropriate to discuss is not necessarily appropriate for legislation. As the Republican agenda has very clearly shifted to maintaining the power base of the wealthy and increasing the distance between America's wealthiest and America's poorest, it has become clear to moderate Christians that there is also great distance between the message of the cross and the message of the contemporary evangelical church.

As we soberly contemplate grace, we're beginning to do so with an understanding that the same grace that covers our own inadequacy covers that of others. That mercy should never be the domain solely of those wealthy enough to afford it or those who limit their sin to socially acceptable sins. That grace is grace and it is not ours to bestow or deny. That duty belongs to God.

There are those who refer to this era as the "post Christian" era, and I'm often inclined to think that way. But the more I consider it the more I'm inclined to believe that it is an era of transition, an "emerging church" era that will see a lot of radical reformation.

Was the church in the "Christian" era when slavery and Jim  Crow dominated the landscape? Did we have better values during the 80 some odd years following the Civil War that saw the lynching of more than 3500 persons of color, almost entirely by those who claimed to be Christian, and often even carried the cross as they went about their filthy business? Were we more righteous in the era of back alley abortions when women would be shipped off to live with cousins in order to spare the family the stain of an illegitimate pregnancy? And was the genocide of the American Indian guided by the hand of God or the hand of greed?

The truth is that, while expressions of faith wavered and waned within the church itself, the world around it was never truly "Christian", no matter how we tried to idealize it as such. For this to be a "Post Christian era", there must first have had to be a Christian era. And in all honesty, it didn't exist. If anything, the church fought against the advance of labor rights, women's rights, civil rights, you name it.

And so to those who do not believe as I do, I ask you, be patient. Because the generation of Christian exiles to whom I am proud to count myself a brother, is likely the most self aware group of Christians you will ever encounter. We KNOW we've done wrong. We see the mistakes of the past, and, all too tragically, the present. And if you give us a chance, we WILL make this right.

In short, we beg of you the tolerance that we (the royal "we", not necessarily individuals) unfortunately too often denied you in the past. We ask you for grace, for mercy, not because we deserve it, but as a means of building bridges.

I am certain that the Christian church 10 years from now will not look like the church of today. We are at a crossroads, and it is my fervent prayer that the church will be regarded as the agent of change and hope that it should be. And it is further my hope that I may be part of that process.

The Church Should Not ACCEPT the Status Quo; the Church Should CHANGE It!

One of the things that cemented my renunciation of the evangelical church is the response of the church to labor. I live in one of the most Republican areas of the country, and that Republicanism dominates the political discussion within the church.

The most telling example is the wage debate. Many within the church believe that it is noble to accept wages that are inadequate for survival, and a good deal of these churches will even preach that it is sinful to accept government assistance. Basically, you are expected to work 60, 70, 80 hours a week, whatever it takes, to survive.

Oh, and don't forget to give 10% of those earnings to the offering plate. I must add a sidenote here: yes, tithing is Biblical, yes tithing is appropriate, but so is paying a livable wage (James 5:1-6). You can't exactly tithe if you have no excess to tithe.

I previously blogged on ten things I feel the church should be doing to address poverty. You can find that article here. The final item I placed on the list is living wage advocacy. Yet in the wake of one of the worst eras of income inequity in history, the church remains silent. They are enjoying too much of the adulations of the wealthy; they are enjoying the comfort and prosperity that comes from preaching sermons that assuage the guilt of those who gather their wealth into barns, against the admonition of Jesus in Luke 12:13-21:

13Someone in the crowd said to him, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.”

14Jesus replied, “Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?” 15Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.”

16And he told them this parable: “The ground of a certain rich man yielded an abundant harvest. 17He thought to himself, ‘What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.’

18“Then he said, ‘This is what I’ll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store my surplus grain. 19And I’ll say to myself, “You have plenty of grain laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.” ’

20“But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?’

21“This is how it will be with whoever stores up things for themselves but is not rich toward God.”

The Bible, not surprisingly, has a good deal to say about wealth. The problem is, the wealth the Bible describes has little to do with money or material goods. And the hirelings who sit the pulpit prefer to teach the Bible to the exclusion of the admonition against greed. Otherwise, we certainly would find a frightening conviction in the words of Ezekial 16:49, which could as well be describing the culture of modern America as of ancient Sodom: 49‘Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.

But those are not the only words the Bible has to say about greed. We can point to the rich young ruler in Matthew 10:17-27, but that is commonly dismissed by evangelicals as being instructions to one particular individual and not to the church at large. Or we can address the instance of Ananias and Sapphira, who were struck dead for lying to God about the proceeds from the sale of the property, but evangelicals will say that has to do with their lying hearts, not their greed.

It is harder, though, to escape the words of the Lukean beatitudes found in Luke 6, but the response is to simply teach the Beatitudes found in Matthew instead, because those words do not include the following:

 

24“But woe to you who are rich,

for you have already received your comfort.

25Woe to you who are well fed now,

for you will go hungry.

Woe to you who laugh now,

for you will mourn and weep.

26Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you,

for that is how their ancestors treated the false prophets.

Now, to be sure, we are admonished in Exodus 23:3 and again in Leviticus 19:15 not to favor the poor over the rich in judgment. But those are admonitions against favoritism, and the judgment of the church has favored the wealthy (which is also forbidden) for far too long.

If the church is to survive the post Christian age, they must again become agents of social change and not concern themselves with minutia. The "Great Awakening" periods in US History were also periods of great social change, as the church recognized its need to address the pressing social issues.

The problem is, the church should not need to be "awakened" to that, the church should be doing that before, during, and after the awareness for that need arises.

Evangelicalism is not about producing books and movies on how to live the Christian life. Those are important tools for the exhortation and discipleship of the believer, but they should be viewed as supplements, and never replacements. The ultimate tool for evangelism has already been written. But it is not enough to preach those words, it is essential to live them.

In the 60's and 70's, there was a massive wave of new thought within and around the church. Although there were some great doctrinal realizations, the offshoot was a number of aberrant faiths. Many people followed Jim Jones into the jungles of Guyana because he preached a gospel of action not of words. Unfortunately, they didn't see the massive deception in his words, and it cost them their lives, but there is a lesson we can take from the tragedy: people will follow action, they're tired of words.

We have been empowered to be world changers. We are not only discouraged from holding the world too closely, we are FORBIDDEN on multiple occasions from doing so (sample passages: Matthew 6:24; 1 John 2:15). And yet the world consumes us and owns us.

It's time to stop accepting injustice, racism, poverty, bigotry, and hatred and start working to change it. We will not eradicate it entirely, but that is not a justification for us to stop trying. We must be lights in the darkness, and we must hold on to each other moving forward.

When the Community Fails

I received a letter from my daughter today that was helpful in healing. The last year has been absolutely horrible, and it has been made worse by the fact that I have had no support system. I have been lied to, lied about, the subject of a great deal of gossip, disrespected, and called every single word that you can imagine.

The reason? What did I do that was so horrible? One, I do not let my kids party every weekend. Two, I expect their boyfriends to treat family with respect, and not to lie continually and completely belittle the members of the family. Three, I didn't go into massive debt to buy a brand new car for graduation. Four, I expected her home on time. I must note that with that last requirement, I let them decide when they were going to be home, I just make them adhere to it.

I am certainly stricter than some parents (especially in this culture), but am actually not over strict. I have expectations for my children, and I hold them to those expectations.

In other words, parenting.

My daughter's letter acknowledged some of the problem she had had with obeying authority. I figured a drill sergeant would help drive that home, but wish it didn't come to that.

Over the time this was building, I addressed this with some of the parents of the community. I wasn't exactly laughed out of the room, but I wasn't taken seriously, either. "Kids drink, it's what they do"; "Kids are going to be promiscuous; it's natural"; "don't be so strict".

Huh, silly me. And here I thought "Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are older they will not depart from it" (Prov. 22:6) was actually the Christian guideline.

The last year has been hard because we have had to do it completely and utterly alone. Now, before I go further, I understand kids do fail. They mess up. That happens. But we shouldn't set failure up as an expectation. We shouldn't hand them a box of condoms and tell them to go to town, just don't get pregnant (quite literally the response of my daughter's boyfriend's parents, despite their being uber, Glenn Beck worshipping Christians). We shouldn't buy them a keg and tell them to drink up. We should guiide them, we should encourage them to make wiser choices.

As I tell my kids about alcohol, they can make the choice when they are of age, but not ONE person can look at their lives and say they were made better by drinking. If you drink to fit in, you're drinking for the wrong reasons period.

The church, it seems, has a poor understanding of WHY we are instructed to "not forsake the assembling of yourselves together" (Heb. 10.25). It is because we were designed to be a community, designed to build each other up, designed to strengthen each other in areas of weakness.

And the church as a whole has done a poor job of that. The scores of people leaving the church are testimony to that.

These days, my life is a semi hermitage. I come out for church, I come out for work, I come out for shopping. But beyond that, my social contacts are extremely limited, as we've been torn apart by the gossip of people who judged us even as we attempted to raise our children to a certain standard. And that's a horribly lonely way to have to live.

I hope that some day someone reads this and truly understands, truly attempts to rebuild some semblance of community. Until such a time, I don't see much changing.

My daughter has at least come to grips with the reason for some of the problems. But the other people involved are a long way from that point. As for my point, I did the best I could, even TRYING to reach out to others for help even as the issues were getting worse. There was nobody to whom I COULD reach out.

And people wonder why I have trust issues.

Ken Langone Shows Us Where the Church Has Gone Wrong.

Ken Langone is a billionaire. He would also have you believe he is a philanthropist, and indeed he has contributed funds to a number of worthwhile projects. But his recent remarks have made it clear those projects are nothing more than an attempt to bribe the church into delivering a message that is more friendly to those who steal the world's wealth and leave billions in poverty.

As this article points out, he has deemed Pope Francis' comments about the world's wealth inequality "exclusionary" and has threatened to stop contributing unless the message is changed.

There's only one problem: the Pope's message is directly supported by Scripture.

It will be interesting to tell if Langone can reform the Catholic church with his bribery attempt; it certainly wouldn't be without precedent. But it would be inconsistent with the message Pope Francis has preached his entire life, and it would certainly fuel a rash of extreme criticism if the church were to so blatantly demonstrate that it is open to bribery.

Pope Francis has made great strides in delivering a message that evangelicals are afraid to deliver, but one has to wonder how long his support will hold if the wealthy throw a tantrum and remove their donations until the church stops condemning them.

But it raises a larger point, one of which we need to be aware. With Langone so publicly bribing the Vatican, is it entirely inconceivable that the same level of arm twisting has gone on in the back rooms and board rooms of the mega churches? Could that be the reason that the message has shifted from the cross to the checkbook, and why financial prosperity has replaced Godly living as the purpose of many within the church?

This is pretty clearly why we were warned that we cannot serve both God and Mammon; if the Pope backs down, there is no question as to the path the church has taken. And if they refuse, somehow they are going to have to figure out how to make up the balance that they are losing when Langone takes his ball and goes home.

I am not a believer in boycotts, and will not threaten one. But I will promise to personally not send another dime in that company's doors. If Langone believes he can bribe the church, that is fine. But he will not receive another dime from my pocket!

Is Anyone Listening?

I have been wrestling with a very serious problem of how to address faith for a lot of years.

See, in the time I have been a Christian, there has been a very interesting dynamic. Yes, I will at times say or do things I regret in relation to other people, We all do from time to time.

But what I don't understand is that if I truly drop the ball, I feel an overwhelming, overpowering sense of conviction; a need to make it right.

Problem one in what I am seeing around me is that I don't see that in my fellow Christians. And it's reached the point where I have to ask, have they become that calloused, or were they really Christians in the first place?

Many will argue that they have been persecuted. And certainly I wouldn't call academia or the public square particularly welcoming places for Christians, but we're far from any level of genuine persecution. Instead, we (collectively, this is something I try not to be) have been the persecutors. We have attacked the LGBT community, for instance, with hatred and anger that does not resemble anything Christ admonished us to do. It is certainly not the love manifested in I Cor. 13, or in the Fruit of the Spirit outlined in Galatians. And the battle we're trying to wage over the definition of marriage is a hypocritical one; we're not asking for God to bless our marriages; we're asking for state protection of our marriages, and then demanding the state deny that protection to those who don't think as we do.

There is no war on traditional marriage. Nobody from the state is going to throw you in jail because of your heterosexual relationship. Nobody is going to remove you from the room of your dying spouse and deny you the final minutes. Nobody will take your kids away from you and deem you unfit because you married someone of the opposite gender.

All of those things have happened to LGBT families. And to say that is action born out of love is to show a complete misunderstanding of what love is.

Meanwhile, while we've focused on the lifestyles of others, we've ignored the fact that workers' wages are continually falling, that more and more families are finding it impossible to get ahead, while at the same time business owners are making record profits and dodging taxes.

Read James 5:1-6 and tell me there is not an obligation to pay a fair wage.

We allow the racist culture within our society to slander immigrant children looking for an opportunity, while we worry about who is or isn't allowing prayer in school. We turn a blind eye to an epidemic of police brutality that strongly (although not exclusively) targets minorities, and when they dare march for justice, we quickly grasp at any straw to claim that individual deserved it. The ghost of Jim Crow is living larger than ever.

We have a RESPONSIBILITY to be SALT AND LIGHT, yet we're too wrapped upn in the Kardashians or the "Real Housewives of (insert favorite rich parasite city here)" to pay attention to the very real, very pressing problems our Savior charged us with. We watch a kid from Africa with a distended belly cry, we write a check to the organization on the screen, and we walk away, believing we've done our part.

A real Christianity, a Christianity of ACTION, has been traded for a Christianity of Duck Dynasty memorabilia and  movies based on urban legends and feelgood Christianity. Meanwhile, we're ignoring real, genuine, life or death matters.

The church desperately needs a revival. That should be self evident to anyone within the church. The problem is, many within the church do not WANT a revival.

And if any of us who claim to be part of the body of Christ do not want a revival, we know what that means. And it is NOT a good thing.

To Eliminate Racism, We Must First Acknowledge It!

There are a multitude of reasons for my recent disavowal of evangelicalism. It has been a long time in coming, and I could spend hours discussing it.

But one of the driving reasons is my own coming to grips with the racism that still exists in this country. The right refuses to acknowledge it, the evangelical church refuses to acknowledge it, but the income inequality numbers across racial lines make it painfully clear.

To be honest, it has taken me a long time to acknowledge it as well. But I have read far beyond the articles on the death of Michael Brown; I have read the comments below. And the comments show a glaringly ugly side of the racist attitudes in America.

One cannot help but wonder if the children housed at Ft. Sill Oklahoma had been refugees from Eastern Europe, would the response have been the same? Somehow, when I hear words like "wetback" used, and hear the children accused of being MS13 gang members, I don't think so. And yet, five of the kids we sent back (at LEAST five) are now dead. I cannot help but think a God who charged us to care for the "least of these" WILL hold us responsible for those deaths.

And I am CERTAIN that He will hold us responsible for the deaths of Michael Brown, Kajieme Powell, or the others who die in officer involved shootings every year. I am equally certain that He will hold us responsible for pushing the socioeconomic problems of income inequality that we push off into the inner city and poverty pockets. And He will absolutely, without question hold us accountable for the racist words that spew out of our mouths. Matthew 5:22 should certainly not be construed to be an all inclusive list of things that we can say that count us guilty of murder:

But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, 'Raca,' is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.
The conservative "response", of course, is blame. We create a system of inequality, then we blame those who struggle under the thumb of that inequality for their plight. We justify the murder of minorities in the inner city for minor offenses because we inherently accept that it is somehow deserved because they are "different".

And by claiming they are different than us, we are proving our own racism.

I could throw up numbers, but ultimately, the right is and remains in denial.

Whites who lived in the Deep South during the Jim Crow era didn't believe they were racist either. In fact, slave owners thought they were being benificent. And that hasn't gone away; Tea Party darling Michelle Bachmann even stated that blacks were better off as slaves:

http://blogs.citypages.com/blotter/2011/07/bachmann_black_families_better_under_slavery_obama.php

But let's not stop at Bachmann; here is a list of TEN conservatives who have praised slavery:

http://blogs.citypages.com/blotter/2011/07/bachmann_black_families_better_under_slavery_obama.php

But the same people who support these conservatives insist that racism doesn't exist.

Historically, in times of unrest, the mainstream church has been on the wrong side of history. Slavery, the genocide of the indigenous peoples in this and other nations, labor reform, Nazism in Germany, the list goes on. And I believe this era is no different.

We cannot continue to ignore racism; it is very real, and it's effects are literally killing people as we speak. While the conservative community demands we "withhold judgment" on Officer Wilson, they continue to blast every news piece that they feel indicts Michael Brown. They've ignored the Powell killing as cideo evidence is not in their favor. And even as they peddle their survival wares under the fear that the US will fall under martial law, they seem quite content with that martial law in the inner city.

My voice, unfortunately, does not have a very broad reach. But I will do the few things I can, starting with pulling any and all support for those who insist on remaining in denial.

Renouncing Evangelicalism

I have spent 26 years of my life as an evangelical Christian. To be abundantly clear at the outset of this article, I want to state that none of my doctrine has changed. What has changed is the reality of the church around me.

The church has the tools to be a powerful agent of change in our society, and indeed are commanded multiple times by Christ, notably in Matthew 25: 31-46:|

³¹ “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. ³² All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³ He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
⁴¹ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴² For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³ I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
⁴⁴ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
⁴⁵ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
⁴⁶ “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

I have witnessed countless times when evangelical churches have turned the needy away from their doorsteps. It would be easy to accept a plea of poverty, but the same churches have no shortage of funds for the things they want (in some instances, multimedia presentations, in some instances building projects, in some instances minimalls within their megachurches). The cold, hard fact is that the moneychangers are not only IN the temple, they are in many instances running it.

As racial tensions come to a head in this country, I have seen and cannot accept the evangelical church's response of denying the existence of racism in this country. They blame minorities for higher unemployment rates, while denying access to quality education to many of the people in the inner city through a funding system that basically allows the wealth of a neighborhood to fund schools, leaving minority dominated poverty pockets with less of a funding base.

To list the injustices faced by minorities in this country would take far more time than I am able to take, but the truth is, not only are evangelicals failing to respond as Christians, they are castigating those who choose to respond, accusing us of "reverse racism" and other charges.

As Americans become a nation of great income inequality, where more die of obesity than starvation, they have turned their backs on the words of Ezekial 16:49:

"'Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.

While workers are further impoverished and wages stagnate while corporate CEOs are making more than at any time in history, they refute the words of James 5:1-6

Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming on you. ² Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. ³ Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. ⁴ Look! The wages you failed to pay the workers who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. ⁵ You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter.^{[a] 6} You have condemned and murdered the innocent one, who was not opposing you.

Although there are many within the church who have done things to address injustice, support for that has not come from the pulpit. Through the years that I have attended the evangelical church, I have witnessed and heard countless racist statements, which have gone unchallenged, and I do not feel that is the appropriate place for a Christian.

I have personally endured being called many things because of my stance for injustice, and this has made it clear that my place is not within the evangelical church.

I will worship with those who will welcome me to worship, but on this day, August 19, 2014, I renounce evangelicalism and all that it entails. I believe that my call is to serve, and to serve passionately; and I cannot do that in a climate that does not nurture and encourage that.

I beg all of my friends who still consider themselves to be evangelicals to search your hearts and truly examine whether God's call is for you to follow the world and ignore injustice all around you, or whether you are instead called to serve those who suffer injustice and speak truth to power.

I cannot speak to the course you must take, but I MUST speak to mine. As Joshua stated many years ago, as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

God bless each and every one of you.

Where has the Church Gone?

I am honestly going to say I am very upset. What follows WILL offend some people, so I am going to be upfront:

Understand that the words I am typing are not meant for everyone. Specifically, they are addressed to a mindset. If you are offended and this doesn't fit you, I am truly sorry. If you are offended, however, and the words DO fit you, I am not. Someone has to speak the truth.

I was having a discussion about the church's response to depression, and a comment that I have heard many, many times over the years surfaced: "your problem is, you put too much trust in the church. Trust in God; He will deliver".

The second part of that statement is not wrong. The first is woefully, wickedly wrong, and is a heresy that is destroying the church: the heresy of noninvolvement.

This false teaching says, essentially, that I am not my brother's keeper. That people can literally die on my doorstep, and when they do, it is their failure to trust God, not my own nonaction, that caused their death. That I have appointments to get to, and, dammit, I'm a soccer dad (or mom), and that I really can't be inconvenienced by these things because there's a ref down at the city fields that needs shouting out because he actually carded MY KID!

It is a lie, and it is a lie that is destroying the church. It is also a lie I am finding to represent the overwhelming majority of self styled evangelists, who walk down the dirty streets with one arm full of Lee Stroebel books and another armful of pocket New Testaments, and walk away and call their work for the kingdom done.

As I've shared in previous articles, I have wrestled with depression to the point where I can truly say that it is only by God's grace that I am here today. I have (metaphorically) fought the devil to death's door, and can truly say that it was not a lack of faith that brought me there, and it was not the reduced to man sized cosmic vending machine God that brought me out. Yes, it was through the strength of God, but because depression is not simply "the devil's watchdog", that strength has been required again and again.

Job suffered relentless persecution; was he a man who lacked faith? Paul wrote of the thorn in the flesh; was Paul a man who just needed to trust in God a little more? Nope, and nope.

The hard, inescapable, UGLY truth is that the problems with the world are OURS as Christians to deal with. That that hideous, drunken stranger that He deposited on our doorstep was left there because God knew that when He was doing so, He was leaving that stranger in good hands. That the homeless man is reaching out to us not because we are passersby, but because he knows we are children of the King. And that we can do much to rescue him from his current state.

As a long time self described evangelical, I admit, I am questioning the term. I have fought hard and fast against the "liberal" church, but may soon be heading that route, because that "liberal" church is the only one I see that places compassion and care for the "least of these" as its highest priority. The evangelical church has not only failed to join me to that end, but many have even condemned me for that struggle.

I am tired of seeing the church abandon the call for Mammon. I cannot see the "first world problems" that predominate the church discussions as taking precedence over the very real problems that surround us daily. And I cannot see putting money to repair the church's computer to maintain the weekly slideshow over putting it into the storehouse as being wise stewardship.

I really want to hear back: where is the heresy in expecting Christians to follow the call, and calling them out when they not only fail, but outright REFUSE to do so? Why is the call to give up ALL to follow Christ NOT louder than the call to pursue Mammon? And why emphasize fellowship if its very purpose is not to bear up one another's burdens. I seriously want answers to these questions; I fail to see where the heresy lies!

I will continue to attend evangelical church services because, for the moment, I have no choice. But I will not join them. I will not tithe to them. Not until they show me consistently that they are not only dedicated to the call, but dedicated to teaching every member of their congregation to follow that call with fervent dedication, even if it means the loss of everything they hold dear.

Because in the end, nothing but the cross matters. And any church that teaches otherwise is teaching a false gospel.

Can You Take One More Blog Piece on Robin Williams?

I debated writing this piece, one because thoughts about Robin Williams have been horribly overdone since his premature passing, and two because I believe that the perceived familiarity with celebrities in our culture is actually a mild form of mental illness; but through several debates with people with a sorely misguided notion of what mental illness is and is not, I felt a final word on my part was appropriate.

I wasn't a huge "Mork and Mindy" fan; it was just kind of there. My acquaintance with Robin Williams really began with a movie called "The Survivors", a completely underrated movie and the first rated "R" movie I saw, which was enough to give my LDS mother conniptions, even though the rating was for language. But I remember HBO shows of his standup and my father (who, like many of us in the family, has struggled with the reality of mental illness) commenting that he felt Robin Williams had symptoms of being bipolar. Being too young to be familiar with the monsters that were my birthright, and will probably follow me to my grave, I didn't understand how he could understand that, but I do now.

The word "hyperkinetic" is overused in describing Williams, but it is one of the few words that can even begin to describe Williams' rapid fire, ad libbed delivery style. His routines were a verbal tickle; alone the jokes would be at best enough to give you a decent chuckle, but he gave you no recovery time, and within five minutes you would find yourself out of oxygen, literally rolling on the floor because you were totally taken in by the magic that was Robin Williams.

But in the midst of it, you could see the dark side, always looming under the surface. The dark side showed in some of his more dramatic works, such as Good Will Hunting, and especially the Fisher King. As the Red Knight chases Parry after he begins to find happiness with Lydia, there is a glimmer of reality in Williams' heart breaking performance.

What Williams did was not "selfish" in the traditional sense. Sure, to those of us outside, suicide seems a selfish act. But it is a final, desperate act of someone who sees no other release from their pain, and the ultimate tragic reality is that you never know who is contemplating suicide at this very moment. Most will not be celebrities; most will simply disappear with only a handful of people remarking on their passing. And most could be prevented.

We need to understand and treat mental illness with greater empathy, and I hope that Williams' death sparks that discussion. But more than that, we need to look in the eyes of those around us and reach out to those who are hurting with a real and tender love. There's no guarantee it will help every one, but I can tell you with absolute certainty it will help some..

In my minds eye, I have this image. I am Jack, Williams is Parry, from the Fisher King. And I have brought him the grail, and in his final, weakened moment, he hands it back to me. It is in that vision that I realize something:

Robin Williams didn't create comedy to make us laugh, or to make him feel better. Robin Williams gave everything he had as a sincere, loving gift to help those who suffered from the Hell that haunted him his entire life a glimmer of hope and happiness. In the end, though, he poured out the entire cup and had nothing left for himself.

And that is the least selfish act I have ever seen.

RIP, Robin Williams. I never knew you, but you did know me. And you gave me much.

Mental Illness Has Taken, Given Much

I've debated writing this. It's far too personal a piece, and not something I'd normally choose to write. But I have always liked the well known Ecclesiastes passage, "To everything, there is a season".

And I believe the season is now, as we mourn the passage of a great comedian we thought we knew.

Mental illness has been a reality in my family for longer than I know. I didn't really know my grandparents, but I've seen the scars firsthand, in the pain and bitterness that creeps just below the surface at family reunions and events. And I've wrestled with it myself.

I've seen it in my mother, a woman who, in her gentler moments, took us out to dig selenite crystals at the Salt Plains in northwestern Oklahoma, and through Dinosaur National Monument, and places like Clifty Falls in my (nominally) native state of Indiana. Yet I've seen her demons, too, the fits of uncontrollable rage, the utter depression that rendered her unable to function for many days at a time.

And I've seen it in my father, who likewise took us on wonderful family trips, yet gradually let the paranoia creep until it controlled him. I'd like to remember both parents as beautiful people, yet the dark moments always hung like a shadow over the lighter moments. An outing could turn from a peaceful, fun family event into a sinister argument in just a few moments' time. Nobody knew what the trigger would be, and we always carefully measured our words and our tone for fear of awakening the beast.

I always knew in some ways my family was different, and it created a sort of awkwardness that led to my own isolation. We didn't talk about the dysfunction, we didn't dare invoke its name for fear that it would somehow creep to the surface, like an old forgotten ghost.

My teenage years were filled with runaway attempts as I tried to escape my mother to go to my father's house. I didn't say it at the time, but it was the beginning of a wanderlust that I believe is common in people who deal with the demons of mental illness. You know something is not right, but you don't know what. And you flee to the furthest corners of the globe to find it.

The wanderlust isn't bad, it's the running that's harmful. Because you can never escape.

At 18, I left home, with nothing but an imagination and a half full tank of gas in an extremely fuel inefficient vehicle to guide me. Predictably, the gas ran out halfway to Colorado Springs, and I hitchhiked the rest of the way, not knowing what to find, just knowing I wanted to find it.

Through the years I became increasingly self aware, and realized that relationships with people who were struggling through mental illness was harming my own mental health. I separated from them, which I've gradually come to realize is just another form of "dry drunk": it helps, for a little bit, but the problem is ever lingering.

I miss my family. I miss the kinds of close relationships that I see others around me enjoying. And I've lived most of my life in a psychological bubble, meant to isolate me from those around me. It's painful, and yet, in the lack of other options, it's necessary.

I've so long feared to tell my story for fear of judgment. For fear that the people that are dearest to me will be taken away by a society that doesn't understand, doesn't WANT to stand that what I wrestle with is not my creation. It's not my FAULT, or anyone's fault, for that matter. It just is, and it is the consequence of the world we live in.

But the truth is, not to be overly dramatic or anything, but it IS killing me. My health has long suffered because the one thing I can't quit doing is eating improperly, and the one thing I can't start doing is exercise properly. I know what would help immensely, and that's simply a truly close friend, one I could sit down with and play guitar, and create, and who could get up with me and help give me the drive to exercise. To remove me as far as possible from the demons that haunt me, because they will always be there.

And yet, I can't hate this beast, because it's given me much. It's given me an endless compassion, a drive to help others, and a flow of creativity in the lighter moments that is amazing. We all saw it in Robin Williams; he created such an uplifting, creative flow of characters, and yet through them, you could see the darkness, lingering. But what it has given me has come at an incredible, heart rending sacrifice, as it has made it very difficult to effectively communicate with those I love. And it has made me a pretty harsh cynic.

I stated in an abbreviated form that I pray that William's death sparks the debate. In our culture, we punish mental illness, we don't treat it. Those who DO seek treatment are stigmatized, and often suffer the loss of jobs, of family, of property as a consequence. We owe ourselves better.

If you are reading this, and have any measure of sympathy, I beg you to work to destigmatize mental illness. You wouldn't incarcerate someone with a brain tumor; you shouldn't incarcerate someone with a lingering, lasting depression. In addition, we need to fund treatment options, and realize that treatment for mental illness is not a one size fits all solution.

I've wrestled with my demons, and won. But I've done so at an incredible cost. Isolation and introversion only help you cope, they don't treat the underlying problem.

Lastly, understand that someone who has dealt with, and survived, substantial depression and suicidal thoughts is not weak; they are amazingly, incomprehensibly strong. Because it takes a powerful person to stare down that beast and win.

What You Don't Know About Suicidal Thoughts

DISCLAIMER: Please don't take the following words the wrong way. While I have wrestled with suicidal thoughts, that is long in the past, and I know myself well enough to know when the problem is too big for me. I am writing this in the hopes that it can help someone else who sees themself in this. Also understand a large part of this is metaphor.

If you've never thought demons were real, you've never dealt with depression or extreme despair. I've dealt with both at various times in my life.

Every time I hear or read about someone committing suicide, a fear comes up that only some of us know. To use a metaphor, it's like a beast that's stalking, haunting me. And when I see someone else give in to the beast, I see the beast standing there, taunting. I see his fangs, He looks at me, hungrily, as if to say, you're next.

And there was a time, not so long ago it seems, but over a decade ago in real time, when I thought the beast would win. I remember standing at the edge of the railroad tracks for over an hour, waiting to hear the whistle of an approaching train, with the intent of throwing myself on the tracks before the conductor could respond. That beast would be there, smiling, beckoning.

I had a fear of heights, not from the heights themselves, but from what the beast might do to me.

I begged everyone I was close to. I spoke with my pastor; he dismissed my claims of depression with the simple response, "well, I think all men have depression". He didn't know how urgently, how desperately I needed to understand.

I feared alcohol for the same reason I feared heights. I feared drugs for the same reason as well. Thankfully, in that sense, the beast probably saved me from an addictive nightmare.

The beast is also why I believe in God. See, I've never had a "bright light" experience, and while God apparently talks audibly to other Christians, He never has to me. But He HAS kept me from surrendering to the beast when literally not a single person on the planet would.

If you know someone, anyone, who struggles with depression or suicidal thoughts, please, don't judge them. They've judged themselves more than you ever could, and don't need you to validate. Love them with everything you have. Love them, and listen.

But don't ignore them. All it takes sometimes is a little bit of light.

I cannot tell you how passionately I feel about this. All I can tell you is that I am here solely and completely because of the grace of God. But the beast still frightens me. But it also gives me confidence.

Because I have wrestled with it, and won. And knowing that, I fear nothing else.

This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

I live in a very small community that is economically dying. A conversation online reminded me of an exchange I had a couple of months ago.

I made a decision in business to stop focusing my efforts in town. Instead, I was going to travel to work, because there was money on the road, and the local community didn't provide a reliable enough income stream. In fact, during a stretch of nearly a month, AFTER all of our savings had been depleted, I made the princely sum of $50 for the stretch. And selling off our belongings wasn't netting us enough to ride the storm out.

And so I stated that I was shutting down the local side of the business almost in its entirely. The time and money I was spending to advertise, promote, and pay insurance premiums was not justified by the almost nonexistent business it was netting me.

The result of my statement was blowback from some of the community. One person went so far as to tell me that I did not belong in this town, and that I should move out for the betterment of the town.

It took a bit, but I slowly began to realize that is the exact same problem I've had in the church through the years. As people beat their brains out to figure out why folks are leaving their congregations, I have actually taken the time to talk with some of the families who have left. And I've found that their concerns are very similar to mine. Yet instead of listening to the people who have left, pastors tend to only hear the voices of the church growth professionals, who tend to write off the exiting congregants as collateral damage.

In the meantime, they've allowed people to come in who look the way they want, talk the way they want, say "amen" in the right places, and most of all, never EVER criticize the leaders. Because divine inspiration, it seems, can only come from those who are ordained by men.

The net result is that, not only are there wolves in the flock, they are in many cases LEADING the flock. The allure of building more building than you need and judging your success by how many people you can pack into that building is far too strong. Bring programs, they say. Entice the kids and the parents follow. All of these are gimmicks that never ever focus on the heart of the community.

But they are also indicators of poor leadership. Ask most of the pastors (or, getting back to the community issues, community leaders) to produce a strategic plan and you will seldom find one. Ask them to perform a SWOT analysis, and you're likely to find blank stares meeting you in the boardroom. Because a SWOT analysis requires talking to those people who left. And listening.

Instead, like the fine person who offered to run me out of town, the church is doing the same thing. The people who leave are written off, discarded, and no real change is ever made because the only people left in the seats are yes men and women, who grossly misinterpret what it means for a pastor to be "above reproach".

I've given up hope that any of my articles will ever be read in their entirety. Yet I keep them, and I keep writing them, in the hopes that one day someone will actually read them and GET them. Until that time, expect nothing to change.

John Hagee: A Liar for God

John Hagee is an icon of the evangelist. He is a hero. He is also a liar and an apologist for the wealthy. And I believe it is time for Christians to stand up against religious "leaders" like Hagee.

He continues to compare the poor to parasites, failing to call out the employers who continue to underpay their employees. He calls for "justice" by starving the poor, in direct contradiction to the Biblical mandate to CARE for the poor!

Where will you stand, Hagee, when God separates out the sheep and the goats? Where will you stand?

If the rich insist on perpetuating class warfare, I'm more than up for the fight!

Why Simplicity?

I admit to being an extremist in one respect: I don't like waste. I don't like when I see it in the church; I don't like when I see it in my own life.

And I believe that a consistent part of being a Christian is to live simply. While it's true that God makes both rich and poor, it is a mistake to believe that money is your own. You are at best a steward, and you WILL be held accountable for how you handle God's investments.

The evangelical church is moving closer and closer to being like the pre-Reformation Catholic church in reality, if not in name. People of power and position are given preference in the church, and, rather than raise up ministers to meet the needs of the flock, we exalt ministers with a charismatic bent to a lofty position and build up their churches. And we turn away from ministry anyone who has the ability but doesn't have the salesmanship. Church has become a business, and it costs a good deal of money to support those ministries.

The truth is, this is NOT what was intended. Yes, we can look at Jewish tradition as far as buildings are concerned, but if you are comparing ANY modern church building to the temple, you are not well versed in theology. The truth is, the very simple yet profound act of the curtain being torn in two upon the death of Christ illustrates why that analogy is inaccurate: because the Temple simply is NOT part of the New Covenant. This is because the Temple was a type of Christ.

When Jesus sent out His disciples, He sent them out with nothing (Luke 9:3). There was no fancy dress, and if we're acting in accordance with Jesus' teachings, there wouldn't be an emphasis on sound, lights, and essentially trying to replicate a rock concert on a Sunday morning service. Now, I've had the debate on projectors, and I can reluctantly agree that IF the purchase of a computer and a projector does not impede the ministry, it's not an outrageous choice, because, as a pastor friend of mine has pointed out, it does urge the congregation to look up, and actually SING. It would be better if they knew all the words in the hymnal, as used to be the norm, but we can't lament the cultural relics of the past.

Today's church often consists of simulcasts and video teaching. Contrast this with Jesus' teaching methods, which encouraged questions, encouraged interaction. Any teacher will tell you that you can only accomplish so much. Simplicity allows the ministers to interact with their congregation, and through the questions that the congregants ask, it can be much easier to identify the needs.

But the main reason simplicity is important is because many churches have made the gospel secondary. Positions in the church are often given to the wealthiest, using the rationale that they are better stewards of their money (that's often not the case, but it is the perception in our culture). The truth is, if a major contributor to the church's finances was caught in a major scandal, it would be difficult for the church to confront them, because a good number of pastors would be unwilling to risk the financial stability of their church by offending the contributor.

To be fair, most pastors that I know personally would not hesitate to speak out, but I have also known a few personally who HAVE failed to speak out -- and watched as the actions of those individuals ultimately affected and destroyed their congregations. It's not pretty.

The truth is, for a Christian, the GOSPEL is what is important. Not programs, not multimedia, not a worship team. If those are an impedance to proper worship, they should be removed. And if the cost to maintain them causes the church to neglect serious needs in the community, they should be done away with. Our call is primarily to those outside the church, after all, NOT those inside of it.

I know there are those who will argue my point, and they will do so with elegance. But as Christians, we must face the fact that our slavish devotion to the things of this world is a compromise that is seriously destroying the church. The majority of Christians I know (and I've been guilty of this myself from time to time) can quote more lines from their favorite movie than they can from Scripture. That is a tragedy.

Let's try to stop serving mammon so much, and focus on what's important. That's where true religion begins!

It's Not About Guilt; It's About Humanity

4,743 faces. 4,743 names.

Between 1888 and 1968, 4,743 people faced the hangman's noose in a massive bloodbath orchestrated by people who claimed to be Christian. Although not all were black, 73% were, and most were in the South. Two were hanged in the very town where I was born.

150 were women, and at least three of those (Mary Turner, Josefa Segovia and Laura Nelson) were either pregnant or had given birth. And the faces of those who hanged them would sit proudly in the churches not long after.

As I am doing the research for a specific project, I am discovering a lot of ugly truths about the history of lynching in America. It is a history on which the church has been remarkably silent, preferring to leave in our past, believing that we've become more civilized (the blood of Trayvon Martin would, I am sure, argue against our being more civilized, but that's another matter).

I cannot reconcile with THIS church, cannot consider myself a part of THIS body. I know it doesn't recognize the face of the church today, but I cannot help but think that even though we did not perform these vile actions, we can be among those to help heal in the descendants of these victims who sit among us.

It's time for us to own the actions of our forbearers. And atone.

I Cannot Pass Them By

...and this is where I get the heat for being judgmental. Before you read, before you comment, please understand that I am not at all being judgmental, and if you feel that I am pointing the finger in your direction, maybe you should check yourself, because maybe, just maybe, it's the Holy Spirit.

Now that I've gotten that disclaimer out of the way and the pitchfork sharpening has commenced, allow me to continue.

As I drove over into the WalMart parking lot, the lady who I had shared campground space yesterday was flying a sign, asking for help with gas for her RV.

I wasn't in a giving mood. I rationalized everything I could; her RV was in idle, the TV and AC were on where her kids sat inside. To rationalize away would be easy, and maybe, just possibly, I would be right.

But what of the possibility that I could be wrong? What of the command not to judge? What of the command that if someone asks for your coat, give them your cloak also? What about the call to the sojourner? All of these things went through my mind as I gave, admittedly grudgingly. I've been feeling spent and bitter lately, and while I know that's not a good thing, I also know it's only a sign I am human.

I live in a world where the faith I follow calls me a fool. I have long cherished the amazingness of the grace of God who has given me so much, and so abundantly. My kids certainly don't see it, the world certainly doesn't see it, but I do. EVERYTHING I have and am belong to God, and when I see myself with so much while so many have so little, I feel that there is no response but to act.

I look at everything I have and wonder, when have I given enough? The answer comes back, when I have nothing to give. And that is the ONLY answer that lines up with Scripture, in my opinion.

The sad part of it is, the church in general does not agree. I've found one pastor in a thousand who will put the needs of the community over the material needs of the church. Yes, we serve, but when the need is still there, we must ask, have we served enough?

Being on the road has been the biggest blessing that I've ever known, as it has exposed me to the vastness of the need. Every time I put another drop in the bucket, I see how large the bucket is, and I wish my fellow Christians would understand that our ONLY cause is Christ, and everything else is just spinning wheels.

I'm not castigating folks completely; I've seen some amazing things from fellow believers, and I know they are doing as much as they humanly can and stay within their comfort zone. I'm not questioning that. But I am suggesting that, perhaps, we go beyond our comfort zone and surrender absolutely EVERYTHING, understanding that in the end, God will provide.

O America, Where Art Thou?

I am feeling disturbingly alone right now. I know there are people of like mind, but they seem oh so distant at every occurrence. I am watching the undocumented workers of America, and the child refugees from Central America villainized by the right, who demand that these are criminals, not children, and that they should be shipped back to a land of despair and poverty rather than embraced in the land of opportunity.

If this is the path my country chooses, this is no longer my country. I will not swear allegiance to a land that refuses to shelter the sojourner and gives power to multinational corporations while stealing it from the people. I will not ask God to bless a country that does not bless God; and blessing God has NOTHING to do with legislating the actions of nonbelievers, and EVERYTHING to do with thorough self examination to ensure that our own actions are consistent with the teachings of Scripture. And the teachings of Scripture do not mince words when addressing the plight of the sojourner, or of the poor and needy.

In the last twelve hours, two virulently racist articles have been splashed on my wall; one overplaying the gang connection of the immigrants (while gang members DO exist, it bears mentioning they are hardly exclusive to the Latino population), the other claiming that AlQaeda is coming across in droves in the midst of the children.

And I'm tired of it.

If you subscribe to such racism, keep it off my wall. Unfriend me, block me, do what you must, but it is getting more than a little frustrating to find that even my fellow Christians are ready and willing to show up with pitchforks at the border and usher these people out of America. It sickens me to a degree that's beginning to compromise my health.

Deitrich Bonhoeffer made the impossibly hard decision to stand against a growing racist culture, and I will do the same. But I know that in doing so, I may end up very much alone, at least in my real life encounters. But as Joshua boldly declared in his line in the sand moment: "As for me and MY house, we will serve the LORD". And serving the LORD, as Jesus makes poignantly clear in several instances, notably the story of the Prodigal Son and the passage in Matthew 25:31-46, includes serving "the least of these".

Why the Immigration Issues Matter

It was a striking scene: aging vehicles, barely roadworthy and loaded to the point where the axles sagged and with every rotation seemed ready and willing to snap, lined up as far as the eye could see, filled with people and all off their possessions. It was a scene described ably by both John Steinbeck and Woody Guthrie, both heroes of mine, who wanted to expose the inhumanity and injustice that seemed to have become the birthright of so many of America’s poor and hungry.

The immigrants were told to go home, were ushered into camps where they eked out an existence, were denied education and basic services, even as their very presence was caused by their attempt to escape the poverty back home, where the land had become unworkable, and the air had become unbreathable.

It was the Dust Bowl, and Americans were turning away their own, with no thought of the plight of these people. To be sure, there were people of compassion, and those people admirably swam against the tide of public opinion as they were called communists, and worse. In less than two decades’ time, the actions of many of these would bring them under the scrutiny of McCarthy, and they would lose jobs, and even liberty because they had dared speak out against injustice. And this is in America, the “land of the free”.

I am a cultural descendant of these Okies. While my family moved to Oklahoma in 1972 and did not know the Dust Bowl Days, I have lived most of my life within its sphere of influence. Old timers would tell stories of the Depression and the Dust Bowl, and of family that had moved on for a better life. Even in my generation, the constant exodus of those seeking a better life elsewhere was common, and, like many of my peers, I drove, road, and hitchhiked my way as far west as the road would take me virtually as soon as the law deemed me to be adult enough to do so with impunity.

In my current city of Clayton, New Mexico, recovering from the throes of a recent extended drought, the words “Dust Bowl” are ever on the lips of those who remember, and a certain somber feeling seems to permeate the air every dry year when the wind turns the air into a violent mix of wind, dirt, and tumbleweeds, and with every breath we inhale the powdery evidence of drought. I walk daily over sidewalks stamped with the letters “WPA”; letters that hearken back to a time when many Americans simply would not have survived had the government not have intervened. They would have simply been swept away with the dust that sweeps these hard plains.

Even as I appreciate my own heritage of people who struggled to survive in a land that did everything to evict them, I think back to the struggles of other immigrants. To the families whose final, lingering hope lay at the other side of the crowded gates at Ellis Island, to the families who sold everything, including their own liberty, to purchase a berth on a rickety boat crossing a vast ocean to a destination spoken of in hushed, almost reverent terms: America.
These people ARE America, they built America, and the stories they tell became the very fabric of our culture. They drove spike after spike into the timber crossties of the railroads until these iron horses crossed the land from sea to sea, and they dug holes into the hot, unforgiving earth, losing many of their brothers and sisters along the way, to mine the metals that built the communities we walk among and too often take for granted. They came here speaking halting English, and, over time, their language changed, as did their bodies from the toll of struggling in the heat of the blistering summer and the cold of the Midwestern winter.

As the need for workers to build the infrastructure has dwindled and as the population of our cities has increased, though, many Americans have given into the notion that the opportunity that our parents and grandparents sought, the opportunity that endowed us with rights, with dignity, and with things that many nations take for granted, should be denied others, with the exception of the fortunate few with the financial means to buy a place in line.

The others, the ones not so fortunate to be bankrolled, but with the same desire for opportunity, are subject to a darker fate. They have become victims of the modern day slave trade, and they meet dark men with dark hearts in the middle of the night who promise them passage to that place still spoken of in reverent terms, if they will work for the greedy industries who refuse to pay a wage adequate for survival. Their reality becomes one of indentured servitude where they work 80 hours a week at less than minimum wage, never fearing to speak against these injustices because the people who run these industries can, with a simple phone call, have them deported to their impoverished communities of origin.

And this is why I speak. As a Christian, not only can I not turn my back on these people, these people are the very people that I and fellow believers are called to serve. Verse after verse speaks of the sojourner, and Jesus speaks of compassion for the poor; who, then, do we think He has called us to serve if not these. In perhaps one of the most poignant, misunderstood passages of the Bible, he is asked which is the greatest commandment. He cites two: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. When asked “who is my neighbor”, He tells the story of a man regarded as filthy and wicked by the Jewish people, who meets another’s need when the very people charged with doing so (a Priest and a Levite) have passed him by.

I look with sadness on the Tea Partiers, the conservatives, those who claim the moral high ground in politics, as they fight against the refugee children in this country, and as they call immigrants criminals and demand their deportation, and I realize with sadness that the ghost of Fred Phelps has not gone away. For it is the inconvenient reality that the sin of those who would denounce these immigrants is every bit as dark and deplorable as those who hold up signs at funerals in protest. And while I desperately want to believe  that the actions are not being driven by racism, it is a reality that is becoming harder to escape.

And yet, it is in many ways, my reality. I understand the plight of the migrants more than most, for it is who I’ve become. Over the last two months, my home is more frequently wherever I am allowed to park my van for the night than it is my own home, and the luxury of resting my head on my own pillow is one that I know only a few days out of every month. I live in the modern day Hoovervilles, as I seek work wherever someone is willing to pay my price. And although I am more fortunate than most in that I have a home to return to, it is only because of my working as a migrant that I am able to do so.

It is an experience  that has been both humbling and enlightening; that has helped me to grasp the reality that the plight of every working person is intertwined with mine, and that the injustices that affect one of us affect all of us. I have come to better understand the concept of privilege, and have an increasing desire for social justice. I am daily reminded that I am disposable, that future is only a hope, and security only an illusion. And in the middle of that it strikes me; if there were a border fence that I could hop to give me access to a life that offered more promise, your guns and your border fences would be ineffective barriers. And if my reality included drug cartels, human trafficking, and corrupt officials, it is no stretch to imagine being in a condition where the hot sting of a bullet and its immediate release from the pressures of this world would be preferable to the lengthy protracted suffering of staying where I was.

I am not speaking for any other person in the faith, nor can I. But even as many fellow Christians denounce me, I will state with firm conviction my belief that we need to open the borders to ALL who seek a better future for their family, and not make entry available only to those with financial means. There was a time when we welcomed those who sought a better future, and one of the most iconic landmarks in the USA celebrates that. As a nation, if we are going to choose to be isolated nationalists, we need to tear down the Statue of Liberty while the price of copper is still high and cash in. As Christians, we need to speak out for these, and any who suffer injustice, even at the risk of being ostracized by leaders of our own faith.

The issue of immigration is one that should be addressed with compassion, not condemnation. For in a sense, todos somos ilegales – we are ALL illegals.