I have a bit of confession to make, one that I've held back on for a lot of years, out of fear that I would somehow evoke the very demons I've tried and worked so long to suppress. But I'm comfortable enough with where I am now to reveal this one, in hopes that it might help someone else finding themselves on the same journey, and, possibly, help those who view me in a less than sympathetic light to better understand me.
Most people dislike bureaucracy; I HATE it. I can't stand it, I loathe it, and I cannot come to peace with it. And it isn't a matter of "WILL not"; after 43 years of existence, it's safe to say that if I haven't fixed it now despite fervent efforts on my part to try, I'm probably never going to.
I've missed countless important deadlines as a result, I've cost myself promotions and held myself back because of this. And, in my darker days, it was severe enough to where it led not to thoughts of suicide, but serious, deliberate plans. My only criteria were that it had to be nearly 100% reliable, and it had to look like an accident so that it didn't financially ruin my family. Fortunately, not being around large cliffs, I was unable to find anything suitable to meet both.
I grimace as I write this. It's not easy to discuss the darker sides of ourselves, and it's one reason why folks often don't seek out the support of others. If we don't discuss it, we feel like we are absolutely alone.
While I am loathe to self diagnose, I do fit a number of criteria for Asperger's. And our society being what it is, living this long with the things that haunt me would lead me to believe it's not worth the time and investment to get a professional diagnosis and treatment. I could spend tens of thousands of dollars that would be well spent elsewhere, because even if you have health care, it rarely covers issues like Asperger's.
And this is, frankly, the source of my frustration with the church and ultimate decision to become unchurched. We're called, we're COMMANDED to be healers, and somehow the churches that engage in that have interpreted that to mean laying on of hands, praying, and sending the person away. No fellowship, no discipleship, not one whit of what Jesus taught and modelled. Just a drop of olive oil, a prayer, and an exhortation to go on your merry way.
I don't know ultimately what the future will bring, but I can't help wondering about those who drift away from the church; how many of those out there are exactly like me? And how many times do pastors write them off as church hoppers and refuse to reach out?
Formulating deep and meaningful relationships is not an easy task for me. And when I DO bond, I feel a sense of betrayal when that bond is broken. But to try to convey that to others is next to impossible.
I would encourage you, then, to take your role as Christians seriously. It's not a social club, it's not a Sunday morning rock concert; it is and should be a place to heal and be healed. And not to be "fixed"!
